The Suitess

I was just married and many evenings my husband and I will flip on the television and watch our various programs. We of course have varying opinions and there is always that debate that is usually solved through the use of the DVR (I swear that machine keeps many an argument at bay). Obviously there have been many re-runs on lately and whenever there is something with the word "new" at the beginning of the description we are all about it. Thus our discovery of two similar themed shows. Both programs feature women attempting to "have it all". Well at least according to what the general concept is of "all". Now, as a woman with a career of her own and a woman in the newlywed category I can definitely relate to the whole balancing act of career, family, friends...... in other words the grand trifecta for an adult woman. However, as I sit watching these woman with their struggles running around impeccably dressed with hair-do's that only can be accomplished by waking up at 5 am and heading straight to the salon, I begin to wonder is it really all worth it? In my own day to day I too experience the forever male counterpart in the office still using words like sweetie, honey, dear....... oh and my all time favorite kid-o to address me. I too have experienced the line "Well I'm sure you'll be starting a family soon" as if the possibility of me going on maternity leave at some unforseen point in my career would be a true unfortanate irritance for my employer. But, wait a minute! Could it be that the reason they call me these endearing names or worry about me being out for 3 months or possibly even leaving is their caveman way of saying 'Hey we find you to be an integral part of our team and we enjoy your personality and having you around and since we are men and don't know how to say that directly to you we are attempting to let you now by calling you by a nickname and being sad with the thought of you being out of our office for a significant period of time'............ naahhhh that couldn't be it at all. Please don't misunderstand me I am a true believer that sexual harrasment does exist in the workplace and it has no place there whatsoever and those that partake in that behaviour are the scum of the earth. I also experience the good 'ol boys club basically every day in my line of work and sometimes I truly contemplate becoming a cross dresser just to further my career. I sometimes wonder though what is it that I am working so hard to prove? I am perfectly content where I am in my career, I make my own schedule and I earn enough money........ so what is it that makes me discontent? I look at my corporate structure and don't feel any strong urge to move up that ladder, I don't really want to choose a new career after all of the time I've put into this one. Could it be that I almost feel guilty about lacking that ambition that I see the women on television posess and yeild almost as if it is a weapon? I think that being a working woman creates much more pressure then it does for a man. I know that there are strong wonderful women that have worked so hard to allow me to have the opportunities I have. I know that women in history have been pursecuted, looked down upon, and in general detested for creating the path that I am now able to stroll upon. I feel that if I do not achieve the highest position available to me, if I do not insist and take offense to the inarticulate macho dialect that permiates my business then I am letting them down. IF, God forbid, I truly do find satisfaction in cooking a meal all day for my husband to enjoy, then I am doing a injustice to all women everywhere. Men do not feel like this. A man who recieves paternity leave does not feel guilty if he does not hold his child for every second of that leave. A man does not think about the other men that fought to get him that right and he must hold it sacred and take advantage of it in order to honor of them. So why do I feel that if I do not reach for the upper eschelan of corporate managment, if I do not insist on having a nanny for my children when I decide to have them, if I do not wear my suit skirt proudly and prance around in my latest Marc Jacobs that I purchased with my own hard earned money I somehow am not achieving the grand trifecta of womanhood. Somehow I feel as if the sufregettes would shake their head at me and would be apalled by the fact that at 5:30pm my work phone goes promptly off, my e-mail is not checked, my suit skirt is back on the hanger, shoes kicked off and there I am barefoot, apron on, in the kitchen preparing dinner. I guess the main difference is I choose to be there and do not feel that if I don't I am somehow a bad wife. Oh and of course my husband does all the dishes when I'm done.

Last time

The Last time I was here the sky was blue
and remember how it was just me and you
Well, now for some reason we just can't get back there
I'm entirely too busy to even remember that we're together
My focus is in every direction except forward
And I feel like I have nothing to walk toward
Standing with one foot out
I guess it serves me right to have to pout
Not sure where you went
Not even sure where last night you spent
But my heart feels empty and betrayed
How did I end up as such a maid
All I do is clean up the mess
Wille you enjoy living in the middle of all this distress
You forget that I've already seen inside
There's no where left for you to hide
So turn the mirror and take a good look
Is this what you came for, and if not
Let me off the hook

Saturday

I don’t normally write in this manner, however the most amazing thing happened to me the other day that it deserves to be told just as it is, rather then in fancy words. I am one of those lucky individuals who has a very close group of friends. Now what started out as a group of just girlfriends has grown into, sisters, husbands, boyfriends, that weirdo that you know who dated that one time, etc. Over time they have also grown into much more then girlfriends, these people have grown into my family. We’ve been there for each other through the changes that life throws your way. We’ve held one another’s hands through formals, finals, morning coffee, deaths, hangovers, break-ups, marriages, and even sex and the city. We all consider ourselves to be so lucky to have found such a solid group of friends that even when we are taking one another for granted we know deep down that we all want the best for each other and whether we may recognize it or not, our lives would not be as deeply enriched as they are if it weren’t for the love and caring that we all get to experience everyday because of the bond that we have formed.

With that said as one of the single members of this group bringing your latest and greatest around is not always the simplest event. It’s sort of like bringing somebody you just started dating to the big huge, everyone including that weird aunt that drinks too much is there, Christmas dinner. Oh and you’re naked. Get it? Anyways, I can’t really give them that hard of a time since I am probably the toughest in the group infamous for being the one to say, “Uhm yeah that guy that you think is so great and fabulous is a total snake and nobody likes him and we wish you would forget he exists, and even though we’ll all make nice if he comes around, secretly just know everybody hates him”. So I guess I sort of reap what I sow when I bring someone around. Plus add in the fact that I am always sure to express to Mr. Right Now that these people are my family and if you don’t pass the test then you’re out. So add together nervous guy with overbearing friends that love to make me squirm and you get no conversation. They’re so busy checking him out and he’s so busy trying to not say the wrong thing that everyone gets uncomfortable drinks too much and then goes home feeling completely unsatisfied. Let’s not forget that when I make the “so whaddya think” phone call the next morning they don’t have much to say because the poor guy was a mute the whole time. Thus the relationship furthers itself until the next few times of hanging with the friends have passed, and they can finally form an opinion which is normally a negative one, however I’m too far into the relationship to cut it off simply because my friends say so and now I’m stuck with a sucky boyfriend that nobody likes and when he does do me wrong all my friends have to say is “I told you he sucks”.

Obviously this is not the most productive route when fishing in the single sea.

However, the other night the most incredulous thing happened. I went to a dinner with all of the friends and was accompanied by my Mr. Right Now, who by the way I think is fabulous, charming, wonderfully good in bed, and all the other things on my list of 64 items. Now this particular Mr. doesn’t have the cleanest past, he may have done a little goof up with me a few months back that my friends have all heard about and discussed at great lengths, so this particular meeting seems to have an added bonus of stress. I have faith though that my friends will be their sweet selves and I have lots of hope that Mr. will wow them as he as wow’d me. And Wow did I get what I asked for. After all the introductions, hugs, how’s work, school, bible study, the dog, blah blah blah. We sit down for dinner and as I pour myself a glass of wine I suddenly realize that as I look around the table everyone is laughing, telling stories, poking fun, and just enjoying one another. And Mr. Right Now is right in the middle of it and not even trying to! He’s sitting at the table making memories with people that I will forever hold in my heart, and he fits in perfectly. Just as he has with the rest of my life. I cannot express to you the joy that I felt watching someone else enjoy what I have gotten to be a part of for so long. It feels so good to have someone standing right beside me to experience the positive things in life with me. And as he wrapped up his joke and had everyone giggling he reached over and grabbed my hand and looked right into my soul where I forever keep this memory.

No matter what happens from here no matter how bad or ugly it gets that instant in time will always be one of my favorites.

HOPE????

I’ll never get through this
This is all I will ever be
I’ll never get any further
I’ll tread water here forever
The game changed but the players are always the exact same
I’m waiting patiently
Being quiet
Faking serene
And yet still no word from you
No show, no call not even an internet hit.
Please tell me it will be okay
That I won’t be stuck with the same old rivet
I have to giggle in the face of this predicament
Who would have guessed I would have
ended up as such a corpse of Independent.

Walking Right Out the Door

So here’s the thing since I actually don’t want to even look at you again
How dare you even put me in that position
You made me stand there as if you didn’t care
I hope it felt good as you fucking sat there

Please tuck her in nice and tight
And pretend that you didn’t fuck me in those sheets earlier on that night
OH and PS in case you are completely unaware
The friend card is full
I’ve had my total and complete fill of you

I’ll be sure to toast
With my next fucking drink
To you and the Mrs.
And I hope your heart shrinks
With the void and the loneliness
I no longer feel bad for your happenstance

“He’s a good guy caught in bad situation”
Please know my soul is forever tainted
With this bad information

Monday morning can’t come soon enough
When you can see all the sickness and disgust
On my face in my walk
And please don’t you mock
Don’t sit there and laugh
How you played me and such
You made the nice girl
Feel like she sucked

So congrats
Right on
Enjoy the victory lap
And all the pats on the back

For when it’s all done
And you’ve had all your fun
All that will be left
Is a man whose sum never came close to his parts
And a person with nothing but a shriveled up heart

Good Bye

Just when I’m not looking you appear
When I’ve got my head in another direction
When I’ve lost all affection

My focus is back
My heart in tact
I’ve conquered those fears
And dried up all the tears

I don’t think of you don’t wish for you
I won’t pretend your there
I’ve forgotten how I cared

I’ve got other plans
I’ve grown selfish and inpatient
I’m no longer complacent
With this lifestyle, my hair
Even the clothes that I wear

I wish so badly that I could make you disappear
That I could erase you from my heart my soul
That you never existed
This way I won’t feel so constricted
I won’t feel like I’m stuck at the bottom of an infinite hole
I can stop living in fear
And just be, right here

Quote of the Year

"Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer........... because it feels so good when I stop"

Are you there?

Do you miss me like I miss you
Do you dream of me like I dream of you
Do you still love me, do you still hold my heart
Do you wake up in the middle of the night
Wondering, hoping, dreading
Where I am what I’m doing, what I’m not doing
When you look at the sky, when you go out
When you watch TV, when you read a book
Am I there just past your conscious thought
Do I exist anywhere for you?

Tired

I have no focus no drive no way in which to survive
I’ve given up stopped looking and hoping
You look at me with all of that happiness
All of that self-fulfilled tranquility inspite of the circumstance
I just can’t get there, can’t be content
I feel as if I’ve already overspent
My whole heart, my whole life
My soul and I’m tired of all of this strife
This conflict within
The battle the torture
That makes me hold back
Instead of jumping head first……..
right in

You were the first person to get it and the first person to forget it